Moving on with the fear

Beautiful talk. Yes, I cried. Of course, I relate. The years, for me, after two bone marrow transplants and chemo, was interferon injections three days a week in my stomach or thighs, monthly Aredia/Zometa, until that treatment (possibly keeping me in remission), caused the horrific spontaneous break of my left femur. They took that away after having it from 1997 to 2009, and remission ended. I almost feel I could right a book on the pain of the femur break itself. Cancer, and the fear of it killing me, held me hostage from breast cancer to multiple myeloma, and well beyond. We all need to find something to help us live in the recovery, to live in the in between, as she says in this talk. Please listen.

I found mountain biking. For me, that feeling of riding my bike over rocks, roots, and climbing for miles, gave me a feeling of healing. Riding as fast as I can over some technical single track gave me the feeling of living, and having no fear.

I lost my best friend in 1995. He was 25, to Ewings Sarcoma. How I miss Alan Tilley. I think of him every day. I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma some months after his death. Bone cancer v bone marrow cancer? How ironic. He was 25. I was 37. He was gay. I was straight. But our friendship was like none other. Alan, if I could do it again, I would change nothing, if it meant not having our bond, our laughs on cancer and death, our friendship.

Today I had no idea I would be zipping downhill on my bike on something called the Donut Ride in PV past the Wayfayers Chapel where we had his service. The memories of his cancer torture returned, as I felt like I was saying hello to him from my bike at 30 mph.

Moving forward is not easy. This beautiful woman's words having meaning for all of us. Breast cancer was scary, but nothing like being told you have six months to live from new rare cancer. Nothing like, even today, when my doctor tells me I am in the two percentile of survivors with a similar diagnosis.

Cycling gave me a life of adventure. I have a long way to go in dealing with my fears. But at least I am headed in the right direction. I have overcome many fears, but the most traumatizing ones are as strong as ever.

Peace 
-cp