Dark Memories and much needed rest day!

Monday - I was wondering,  why am I so tired?   Then I realized that I rode my hardest effort on a mountain bike on Saturday.
Had wind, cold, sun and 7188 feet of climbing!  40 miles, six hours WOW --- Never thought I could learn to shift gears -
Got home late Saturday night after the long drive -- then I  was playing court reporter for the deposition of an expert  urologist on Sunday morning at 7:00 a.m. to start at 8:00 a.m. for four hours via video conference and some live bodies too.   And today I took a deposition in Encino with one of my favorite clients and we worked through lunch.   I missed my exit to get off the freeway and found myself on the other side of Beverly Hills going the wrong direction of home?   Um, I must need some rest.  So many emails I don't have time to read.  lol - the miracles keep on coming!

But I digress and go back to some  of  the saddest days of my life,  in 1997 and 1998 when I was battling multiple myeloma - the breast cancer was a memory then.   I remember being locked up at home or in the hospital for weeks and months. I remember that going through high-dose chemotherapy in preparation of a bone marrow transplant means you have to eat out of cans, plastic forks and cups, gloves on every door knob - any little germ could kill you.  Nobody comes in or out of the house except my brother Bruce who was taking care of me and my daughter.  I remember how lonely I was, desperately lonely and thinking my only friend was in a bottle, lots of bottles.    The phone did not ring.  People tend to be afraid of you when you are dying.  I guess they don't know what to say, so they stay away, which makes the ill person feel more rejected and left out and basically I felt dumped by friends and my life.   As I was stuck home with a tube of chemo attached to a needle the size of a roofing nail in my chest and two other ports in my chest for various access points and to draw blood, I remember thinking how the world just kept going.  I remember how much I missed work.  I remember thinking, wow, if I could only work.   I would often wonder if the people who "GOT" to go work knew how lucky they are? 

Fevers and frequent emergency trips to the hospital were my life.  Trying to escape my fear of the lonely hours and days led me on a path to a dark place, a very dark place with no end.  Days and nights were the same, just being too sick to do anything.  Harvesting stem cells meant being tied to a machine for a week.  Dreading painful bone marrow biopsies.   I had forgotten what it was like to have hair. 
Spending years to get through school and build a business and to lose it all so fast, with a simple blood test, life was to be over, so they told me.   I think at times the only courage I could find was through my daughter, Danielle, until she had to go away too, if for nothing else, to save herself.   Those were some dark years, my friends.   Memories that haunt me at times, like this moment, and I am not sure where to put them? 

Maybe they are to remind me how lucky I am to have legs to ride a fancy mountain bike, and fingers to write up to 250 words per minute on a machine, and get paid to do it.  And a beautiful daughter with two healthy happy grandchildren - my best friend (dog) Mai, who is always happy to see me.   A loving coach that just came in my life at the perfect time, and the perfect riding partner, the perfect office support team cheering me on and having my back.   Great attorneys/clients that appreciate me, respect me and are loyal to me.
Most of all, a loving God who brought me this far to see what I have.  My thanks to Janet and Sheila, for without them, I would not have a job.

It's the family and people in my life today I am grateful for.  Today I have a new life and another chance to make it better, to be better, to help someone else.   Today my client reminded me of the fact that I am no longer on any treatment, no drugs or meds.  My hair is long and my life is far from lonely.  Today I know I don't have to do anything alone again.  I have learned to ask for help and accept help and then pass it along to someone else.

So there is not a ride today, but much needed rest and reflection, apparently.
Love
cheryl