Thursday, June 16, 2016

June 16, 2013 - Father's Day Post -

Bitter/sweet Miracle Father's Day - today I wish my father to find peace of dad is an alcoholic...
My father is 75 and I have not seen or heard from him for most of my life, maybe a handful of times, that I can remember. My daughter does not know him. He is the eldest of 10 from a small town in MO.
This morning I called him before leaving for my bike ride, and we had the best telephone conversation I have ever had with him. My dad is an alcoholic. He had a massive hear attack in TN about a year and a half ago and the doctors told him if he continues to drink, he will die at once! His heart cannot take it anymore. He did stop drinking. My father was never able to show up in my life. I don't fault him for this and I don't judge him either, not a bit.
When I was battling cancer and was told I was going to die, he never came to see me. I was hurt, but I also understand the disease of alcoholism and I knew that he can only do the best he can do. You cannot do much when you drink beer all day. He did say he never drank in the morning, started at 2:30. lol
This morning, he said things to me that I have wanted to hear my entire life...things like: "I don't drink anymore."
"I feel so great after not drinking for that last 15 months, I could jump up and down, but I am too old to jump (laughing)..
He went on to say: "I wish I would have quit ten years ago-- no, I wish I had never started....he said, "all my life I have been a drunk and never been a dad...they should have taken me out and shot me" (well, I didn't want to hear the shoot me part) --
I am heart broken for the guilt he must feel because he missed his life and he missed my life. He is correct. He was never a dad to me. He lived his life in a beer can. I cannot fix or change other people.
I certainly don't want an apology. I just want him to find peace and know that I have loved him as much as I can love a stranger in my life. I am sorry if this seems sad or inappropriate today, but, hey, it's my FB page...he and I laughed a lot --- and he understood me and his speech was not slurred.
And this is good news in my life.
He called me after my last race to see how I did...I was floored! He could not come to CA to see me when I was in the hospital having a bone marrow transplant. I did not know what to think, when he remembered I had a race? He says he wants to move to some small place on the TN river and fish and not drink. He seemed happy and yet regretful. He is all alone and cannot see or hear well and quite ill for 75.
So I cried with happiness that my dad is sober. It takes what it takes. I told him I hope he can spend his remaining years sober and fishing and playing in his little farm, weeding and being a red neck. ;-)) --I believe in miracles even more than ever after my Father's Day phone call. I am the eldest of five.
Maybe it's time to make a visit to TN and see who my father really is?
Sorry this is so long....but it's a big event I have been waiting for since I can remember.
Night FB friends.